Screams from Childhood - my anger is my lover

Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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the betrayal of guilt

no more guilt, mother, no more—enough is enough
the curse of guilt poisoned my soul and my life
the weight of guilt has bent and twisted me
I carried it way too long
I hand back to you the biggest lie I was fed

how your verdict of my guilt haunted me
and made me a frightened, silent, submissive coward
who believed—I am wrong and I do everything wrong

I believed you that I was innately guilty—to the point
when every feeling, thought, question and need of my own
drowned me in fear—cornered my mind in hopelessness
flooded my body with anxiety

problems meant nothing but an onslaught of guilt
with no one on my side—with my mother always against me

no more guilt, mother, no more—enough is enough
I believed you—how guilty I felt for all the children you had
and whom you experienced as a dreadful trial
I felt responsible for your resentment of it
I felt responsible for you and for easing a fate you resented

I felt guilty for having been born, for existing and for having needs
I believed I was nothing but a problem and burden
but no longer, mother

every step I took away from you, every dream I ever had
every goal that was important to me
any sign of life within me, any longing for love or compassion
only increased the amount of guilt I carried

one day I realized that someone was responsible
but it was not me—I did not bring all these children into the world
how can I be responsible for the lives, decisions and actions
of my parents?

it was a crucial turning point

as I felt betrayed and exploded with painful rage
I returned the responsibility to where it belonged—to you
it never should have rested on my shoulders
the number of children my parents had was beyond my control

the sad truth was—you never wanted all these children
all the help and nurses and money you had
did not change your anger and bitterness over your life

you envied me for the affection others had for me
for the love that came towards me
you burdened me with guilt because of my nature, my radiance
and for the richness of my talents
but no more guilt, mother, no more—enough is enough

you abused my trust and dependence to teach me lies
to burden me with the responsibility for your unhappiness
but no longer, mother

I could not work for my dreams and goals
I could not be on my side because you never were

it was a liberating surprise
to see the truth, to drop the guilt
to become aware of the reality of our relationship
to wear the empowering gown of freedom
and to celebrate the heavenly joy of feeling unburdened

enough is enough—this guilt you implanted into me is untrue
what would my life have been like without it


© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood

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