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written in Germany, 1986
you are a wall in front of me
I throw my timid love and my questioning longing towards you
but they bounce off, fall to the ground, return back to my hands
the wall is hard and cold, tall and invincible
stone by stone built from moral commands and laws
constructed by strict rules of behavior
there is no room for justice or forgiveness, no room for love
the law belongs to you, the wall—it is always on your side
my arms are tired from throwing
my heart fills with endless disappointment
with frustration, pain, even rage and hate
wasted, useless agony—how I can feel with Sisyphus
I am a bird who is learning to fly—tiny, impatient, frightened
excited and impetuous I spread my wings and try—I fly
my companions are love for life, curiosity, fearful apprehension
but again—there is the wall—I bounce against it
numbed, deadened, filled with anxiety
I find myself back on the ground
I make several attempts—but the wall is too high and too strong
for my weak wings, my insecure movements, my inexperience
one day, unnoticed by anyone, I, a battered bird, give up
within the boundaries of the wall I crawl on the ground
crippled—mutilated—my rage petrified—my protest dead
my disappointment fills me with black hatred
timidly I limp and hop on prescribed and ordered tracks
sometimes I look yearningly at the sun—shining beyond the wall
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
