Screams from Childhood - my anger is my lover

 
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Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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my anger is my lover

my anger is my lover—my anger knows the truth
my anger remembered the incest that plunged
the sixteen-year-old into a morass of confusion, anxiety, despair

I had to hide the truth from myself because the small child
had felt safe with a father who never beat her
she could not bear the truth
her father meant closeness, security, survival and joy of life to her

when my anger started to tell me about the incest
this child inside made the anger go away again and again
this young girl cried for weeks in therapy—my father loves me
my father would never do this to me
terrified she fought the truth—she believed
that she never could survive the loss
of the image of a loving father

I was not angry as a child—I was not the family rebel
on the contrary—I was the family showpiece

but the anger survived like a submarine in the depths
it waited until it was safe to surface

when it trusted me and my work in therapy and was sure that
—confronted with the truth—I would not be afraid anymore
or believe I must be crazy to remember something so awful
my anger articulated clearly—your father was irresponsible
he abused you unimaginably—he committed the crime of incest
and, I am sure, other crimes you don't know about
what did he do in the war?
he was capable of lying to everyone
he continued his life as if nothing had happened

but the child who trusted and loved her father needs time
to mourn the loss of her idol—every therapy session helps her

with time my anger is liberated to be a seeker of truth
and becomes my engaged mentor

after I listen to her and comfort her patiently
the child can let go of her illusions
and evolves as a treasured part of my aliveness and love of life
now the anger can tell the truth
about the incest and other childhood abuses

banned from my inner world and emotional repertoire
my anger appeared at first like a dark and monstrous giant
who caused overwhelming fear
among other identities who lived inside of me
—the ones who tried to please and clung to illusions—
they had been running the human being named Barbara
they were terrified to recognize reality

slowly my anger reveals the truth until I can live with the facts
it helps me confront old pain inside—it welcomes my true Self

my anger becomes my lover who wears colorful, exotic clothes
who wants me to be true to my Self and speak my truth
this lover gives me the strength to say no and create boundaries

this lover teaches me that I never was bad or wrong
never an evil or worthless child—but informs me of the truth
that the people into whose care the child's life was entrusted
hurt me through evil attitudes and actions
through inhuman methods of treating children

my lover supports me to dare to venture into life
and to walk proudly and freely
my lover encourages me to make my dreams come true

secretly and quietly, behind the scenes, never in loud ways
this lover has guided my life most amazingly

 

© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood

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