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my father despises with ridicule or outright contempt
my mother’s family’s more humble and simple way of life
they are more idealistic and intellectual
more religious and quiet
my mother hates with furious passion
the way my father and his family live
they are emotional—what a horrible thing
live visibly wealthy lives
and—what hypochondriac weaklings they are—
they make such a fuss about nothing—they even get sick
_____________
I see the child in between these two extreme poles
lost between polarized worlds
I see her standing there—watching a mad game of mind-tennis
in which poisonous balls—my way of life is better than yours
are volleyed back and forth
the child’s head swivels back and forth
her soul is torn apart while she wonders
whom shall I follow? why do they hate each other so?
filled with desperate confusion, flooded with anxiety
she feels dizzy, completely lost, abandoned and lonely
during certain times of her life this child follows her mother
and turns into a very religious teenager
but religion does not ease her anxieties and pain
on the contrary—religion makes her feel false and hypocritical
so later she avoids churches
drifts into a superficial enjoyment of luxuries
which leaves her empty and unfulfilled
as the good wife who is now her husband’s showpiece
shopping becomes her distraction from her inner emptiness
the child’s mind, split into either/or
continues the combat she was exposed to as a child
long into adulthood
the child cannot find a resolution
helpless to reconcile her polarized life experiences
she cannot create peace and harmony within herself
she cannot figure out how to live
as she tries to discover what makes a good person
she looks back and forth
—at her mother
—at her father
but there is no answer
life is to her
nothing
but the agony
of being torn apart
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
