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my mouth—washed out with soap—for not telling “the truth”
the degrading ritual took place in my parents’ bathroom
where I was dragged, my head bent down, held over the sink
where with soap and force
honesty and openness were rubbed and tortured away
the reality of the child did not count as truth
but was considered an annoying parasite—to be exterminated
the child spent all her energy to survive an eternal insane court
that ruled her home
and conducted perfidious interrogations with her
relentlessly accused, confused and brainwashed
she stood powerless and humiliated
in front of the self-righteous prosecutor-judge
who—in one person and doing everything at the same time—
accused, judged, condemned and sentenced her
no means for the child to see through this devilish game
no one to defend her—no one at, much less on her side
with systematic barbarity
the judge found something wrong with her child
then ruled and punished with sadistic joy
the child had to confess to things she had not done
and admit bad thoughts she had not thought
all the evilness that—according to this judge—lived within her
seized the child with such guilt and horror
that her brain turned and turned in a maddening whirl
it grew wilder and wilder
until the child’s mind spun out of control
and could not make sense of anything anymore
there was no way out—no escape
nothing to hold onto
the judge was malicious
in front of others her mother would hide who she was
her mother was capable of denying what she had said before
without hesitation, shame or scruple
when her mother claimed not to have spoken
what the child had clearly heard her say
when her mother so obviously lied
the abyss became a hell of madness into which the child fell
and fell
and fell
no hold—nothing to hold onto
falling into the horrendous betrayal of her mother’s lies
the child experienced reality—and then herself
as unreliable and crazy
and lost her mind
© Barbara Rogers
Screams from Childhood
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