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Response to Alice Miller's original post of September 28, 2008: Dear Barbara and everyone
I only joined this forum at the weekend but i feel i want to say something. I do not have all the details of what has been happening between you, Alice and Norman, but from what i have read and the mail sent from Alice Miller i feel i would like to offer my support and thoughts.
I am not entirely sure why i came here - perhaps it was because of the deep respect i have for both you and Alice and because i too am struggling with the pain of the past in my own therapy. I feel very alone with my pain and thought it might help to be amongst others for mutual support.
So it came as a shock when i came here feeling vulnerable to find that there is something very sad happening and it seems to be happening in quite an accusatory and attacking way on the part of Alice Miller. I have read about your therapy experience and have great respect for you and your journey - a journey that is valid and important to you and also to your clients and those of us here. I am shocked that Alice could be so judgemental - does she actually know your therapist and know that he/she is afraid of your rage?, or that you were encouraged to avoid confrontation? How disrespectful that feels.You have every right to take what you need from that therapy, and as you say it hasn't been the entire answer but part of YOUR journey. You are entitled to that; just as Alice had to find her own way so you are finding yours - and i support you wholeheartedly in that. Also surely this is more about the therapist and the work that has been done on self rather than the model practised? - and that means that some practitioners are more capable than others - for me it is more to do with the work they have done on their own child part that enables the work to be done - whether or not they have unresolved suffering that has been repressed - it is that that gets in the way.
It feels to me like the authoritarian parent saying 'do it my way or you'll get a good hiding!' - and i feel so sad about that. It seems that the very thing that Alice Miller stands for she has become - and i would very much like to 'confront' her as the parent who is trying to force the child to do it her way by being so punitive.
I don't know much about what has happened but the one thing that struck me was that you do not advocate a method of therapy that contradicts Alice Miller's method's - it seems more personal than that. It offered something for you and it is ok to allow others to have access to a whole range of therapies in order to find their own way - just like Alice had done for herself before you. It seems that in doing something for yourself you have to be ostracised for daring to disagree. Seems that Alice may have forgotten that she also had to find out in her own way! Part of being allowed to be a child who is loved and respected for who we are is that we have to find our own way and be allowed to do that within safe caring boundaries - find out for ourselves without being punished when it doesn't go quite right - so we can take our own responsibility and accept the consequences of that. Then we can develop safely, and without fear of punishment, a sense of self discipline - and i thought it was just that kind of parenting that Alice advocates - well it's a pity she doesn't practice what she preaches so well!. Barbara you do not deserve to be punished for doing just that - by a very powerful parent in Alice Miller. I feel so upset by that - and by her words - they are so uncompromising i feel. Yes she has much knowledge but i feel that in her words she has lost that sensitivity for the individuals we all are. I have such great respect for her work - it changed my life - so to see her speaking in such a harsh way feels devastating for me, as i am sure it must feel for you. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
Alice seems to think you advocate IFS - she says this forum works with this method - but i haven't seen evidence of this - i just see you speaking about it from your own point of view and i also read you saying this on your website: "As I have written before, IFS is not the one and only answer and never has been for me or as such been recommended or practiced by me."
You are entitled to your opinions based on your 'years of therapeutic experience'!
I have gone on a bit i know and this is written from my heart and not from an intellectual stance but i am glad i wrote it!
I look forward to being a part of this forum and meeting others here.
With love and support
Fran
written September 30, 2008
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