Screams from Childhood - Walls

Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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Hotto's Children

written in 1987

back in Germany I live again in my hometown
minutes away from my parents—surrounded by relationships
which have made me very unhappy for a long time

when I can make the decision to move away I dream
that I come up the stairs in the big house where I grew up
with my parents and nannies and brothers and sisters
until I got married
when I reach the second floor I go to Hotto's room
I had not remembered what her room looks like
but this dream shows it to me and I recognize it clearly

as I enter the room I see Hotto's wooden, antique bed
I see Hotto standing next to the bed
I ask her—Hotto, where are the children?
Hotto points to the bed—where I discover two children

one of them I know really well as if I have known her all my life
she is the good Barbara who did everything well and right
she was the way everyone wanted her to be

but the other child next to her
is a child I have never ever looked at or noticed
she is the alive—real—Barbara
with wishes, feelings, needs, thoughts and dreams of her own
she reaches out for me and hugs me
passionately, fervently, for a long time
profound feelings of gratitude and love emanate from her

I wake up deeply moved


© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood