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written in 1987
back in Germany I live again in my hometown
minutes away from my parents—surrounded by relationships
which have made me very unhappy for a long time when I can make the decision to move away I dream
that I come up the stairs in the big house where I grew up
with my parents and nannies and brothers and sisters
until I got married
when I reach the second floor I go to Hotto's room
I had not remembered what her room looks like
but this dream shows it to me and I recognize it clearly as I enter the room I see Hotto's wooden, antique bed
I see Hotto standing next to the bed
I ask her—Hotto, where are the children?
Hotto points to the bed—where I discover two children one of them I know really well as if I have known her all my life
she is the good Barbara who did everything well and right
she was the way everyone wanted her to be but the other child next to her
is a child I have never ever looked at or noticed
she is the alive—real—Barbara
with wishes, feelings, needs, thoughts and dreams of her own
she reaches out for me and hugs me
passionately, fervently, for a long time
profound feelings of gratitude and love emanate from her I wake up deeply moved
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood |
