Hero Child

 
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Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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Published by Barabara Press
   

 

betrayed

I trusted you unconditionally
I believed in you, believed that you meant well
believed what you told me—that you had my best interest at heart

but now I must recognize reality, bewildered
beside myself from grief I awaken to the truth
I am thrown into shock—you never meant what you said
your intentions were boundlessly selfish, abusive, destructive

I must see what I cannot bear to see—you don’t care about me
my best interest does not matter to you
instead you took advantage of me
exploited my dependency, my fear, my trust

I feel my brain shattered, my mind thrown into an abyss of horror
my mind cannot handle the reality of your betrayal
has no tool to comprehend your indifference

you were only interested in what served your purposes
and what you could get out of me
I cannot believe that you used me for your sick needs
and sacrificed me for your insane beliefs about life

how unimaginably you took advantage of me
as if I was nothing but a whore
the cheapest one available—you did not even have to pay me

I am screaming and crying from unbearable pain
you have betrayed me—you, the treasured father
to whom I owe my sense of feeling alive and of being my Self
who helped me survive a cruel mother

I was run by the child who idealized you
she ruled over me and ran my being in the world
my relationship with my father was wonderful—she told everyone
because we made music together

deep down, though, I had
ended
my connection with you
my unconscious knew
how I had been betrayed to the depth of my being

my mind bursts recognizing that you were capable
of using my trust with a complete lack of conscience
that you unscrupulously led me
into a darkness
out of which I did not find a way out for thirty-seven years

my tears flood the room where I am crying
uncontrollably
unstoppably
for days

at first I feel as if I am drowning in their stream

as my tears reveal the truth of your betrayal
they communicate the reality of your crime

in the end, these tears carry me away from you forever

out of the darkness I float into truth, freedom and life

 

© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood