“I will never forgive you for abandoning me
when I needed you the most”
my mother’s comment to me in 1984
for years I faced an unforgiving mother
and suffered from her hostility and resentment
I was never forgiven for needing and entering therapy
for changing and becoming my Self
for no longer being the perfect eldest daughter
but the demand for forgiveness is always placed upon me—why?
what does forgiveness mean?
my mother's hostility hurts me when I am with her
I have most painfully felt
her reproachful rejection of me and my life’s journey
of my values and goals, of my thoughts and feelings
why is the moral burden to forgive placed upon me?
why must I suffer from her unwillingness to change
when I can find inner peace without her?
what does the repeated demand for forgiveness truly mean?
isn’t it the same thing that was asked of me as a child?
to turn off my feeling—the sacred gift of life—
every time I am with my mother, facing her resentment
her hostility and anger toward me?
doesn’t it mean that I should pretend that all is well
become a hypocrite in her presence
that I should ignore my feelings and the pain she causes me
that I must murder my truth and my soul—to please her
to continue what I did to survive as a child?
for her? to serve her to be a forgiving girl? a “good girl”? a liar?
no—my soul screams—no—no more—I cannot do this anymore
I die if I have to lie to get love
after having worked so hard to resurrect my feelings and needs
I will honor them
I will appreciate and serve life within me
by not discarding and abandoning my feelings
and thus my Self ever again
how can I sacrifice my soul, my integrity and self-protection
ignore my own well-being and love for my Self all over again
she who has given me life demanded
that I extinguish life within me, give up my vitality for her
the vitality I fought so hard to rescue and resurrect
from now on I refuse to suffer needless pain
and resentment may no longer gnaw away at me
I cannot be part of a hopeless relationship anymore
as I have allowed forgiveness to enter my life
I have forgiven—myself
for trying so long and so hard—completely in vain—
to reach my mother, to enable our relationship
and to fill it with truth, honesty and love
I have brought into my life the permission
to protect and liberate my Self from incessant pain
so that my soul can heal and soar
forgiveness means—the screams can be voiced
pain and outrage can leave body, mind and soul
the truth is shared, accepted and becomes consciously known
I am at peace—accepting that I am without mother
forgiveness flows where honesty and truth can live
if they can’t—forgiveness becomes nothing
but a deceptive device to deny reality, to conceal the truth
and life is forced into a lie
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood