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she says—I mean well—and
beats
her child her eyes speak a different language—of hate and bitterness
misery and pain—despair and revenge the mother says—I mean well
but pain penetrates the body of the girl—then the soul
she cries out I mean well—her mother repeats
the girl screams—then why are you hurting me?
I love you you don't do what is my will—replies the mother
this is why I have to beat you the girl cries—I cannot always do what is your will
sometimes I have to go my own way
I have a will, too
I have my own thoughts the mother beats her daughter more forcefully, even harder
she screams—I cannot bear that you have your own thoughts
and you may not have a will of your own you are a bad, evil, sinful girl if you have a will of your own
I will beat you until you admit that you are bad
until you admit that I am right don't cry! don't scream! pull yourself together!
bear the pain! be quiet! once and for all!
you may only be the way I want you to be! here—I rule!
here—my word is the law!
here—my power and my will are the law! you
were bad
you
did not do—what I want you to do
you
did not think—how I want you to think
you
were not the way—I want you to be
this is your punishment—you deserve it
if you scream I will beat you even more
even longer and harder say that you are bad
say that you will never do this again the girl is laying on the ground
she sobs quietly and says—please, mother, please, end it
I am bad
I will never do this again
I am bad
forgive me the mountain of hate from inside her mother
—the truth that the girl could read in her mother's eyes—
moves into the soul of the little girl she has encountered the language of hatred now she hates too—her mother
and she begins to hate—herself
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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