how can I love a mother who demands to own me?
who regards my unconditional loyalty as her birthright?
who considers any thought deviant from her ideology
how can I love a mother who is capable
of intentionally destroying
the truth, love and relationships?
how can I love my father if he does not protect me?
if it is a crime to have a connection with him?
if he worships his sons?
if he sarcastically mocks the child
brutally puts down the teenager—and sexually abuses her?
I bleed where love was meant to be in my heart
while a devouring longing for a loving connection
burns painfully in my body
love meant degrading, hopeless dependency and pain
love was a nightmare
I had no experiences with love
I had no clue what love was all about
I followed blindly destructive patterns
—imprinted early in my life—
as blind pity and unconditional loyalty
as devoted dependence and obedient adoration
as submissive servitude
patterns that I paid for through self-denial
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood