Screams from Childhood - Walls

Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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I thought you would be my friend

after eighteen months I come for my last therapy session
before I must return to Germany
we have never discussed what happens when therapy ends

we will talk to each other when we meet each other in the street
I feel as if the ground opens below me when he says these words
I am in shock, feel betrayed, cannot talk anymore
I just want to get out of his office and never come back
he asks—something happened—what happened?
I manage to utter—I thought you would be my friend

that day I experienced for the first time in my life
what it feels like to be betrayed—as I cried for hours
I sensed that something terrible had happened with my father
which overwhelmed me with horrible feelings of shame
—long before I remembered the incest

it took my mind many years to recognize the betrayals
that the child had suffered—they overwhelmed me
with unbearable pain, which the child never could have survived
and never could have come to terms with

I trusted and loved you, Hotto, like a mother
I believed that you loved me and cared about me
I believed I was important to you

but you left and did not come back to see me
with you it was like being with a therapist
when the pay stopped—the relationship ended
I thought you would be my friend

Vatti—I trusted and loved you unconditionally
you were my role model—I treasured your love of life
I felt close to you and believed I mattered to you
but on the Queen Mary love and trust ended
I thought you would be my friend

you loved books, writers and stimulating intellects, Mutti

convinced that my mind and thinking mattered to you
I thought you would be excited about my changes
I was sure that you would welcome my liberation and my writing
but you turned against me and abandoned me

without you at my side
a life mission I saw as enlightening and important
seemed like a petty personal vendetta fueled by revenge
again I stopped writing and having a voice
afraid to be seen as a monster who cannot forgive
and who wants to hurt her mother

it took another twenty years
before I could trust my Self and my voice
value my life and my creativity
and appreciate my uniqueness

with your support
my voice and my book would have lived long, long ago
your support would have given them remarkable, unique power
I thought you would be my friend


© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood