| Los Angeles, April 2001
for Earl I have returned to the room where my father
manipulated my love for him, exploited my obedience
and raped me my mind kept the memory of this crime from me
for thirty-three years—to save my sanity taken on an exciting dream journey by her father
the sixteen-year-old teenager—proud and exuberant
thought it a miracle to have her father to herself
they traveled from Europe to the United States
on a great ship called the Queen Mary
where they shared a cabin—in this cabin I have lit a candle I have returned to the scene of the crime thirty-five years later
with four letters I have written to face this scary place
with a sculptured bird from my therapist's office
with Kleenex, a candle, paper, a pen, and an empty box
and with a man at my side who loves me the bird is my symbol for my spirit
it was imprisoned in this cabin for all those years
I had to leave it behind on this ship
because my father took it away from me here in this room the journey to reclaim my spirit has been long and difficult
like an explorer who travels into an impenetrable, scary jungle
and encounters terrifying adventures and dangerous obstacles
I have traveled into my mind, soul and body to arrive at the truth
to find my history and the causes for my suffering
yesterday I read in tears four letters in this room
one to my mother—one to my father
one to the sixteen-year-old Barbara who trusted her father
one to the man at my side who welcomes my search for the truth today I put these letters into the empty box to take them home
they are the utterances of my silenced voice, of my lost spirit
with whom I am reunited in this room the scene of the crime is now an empty room
the candle shining on the table
I am sitting on the bed
where my life and my mind lost their direction and power
where my own father took away from me
what his presence in my life had preserved for so long
my connectedness with life
I shed tears for a life that could not be fulfilled
I thank those who helped me face and bear the truth the poisonous magic of a monstrous promise
—kept faithfully for all those years by a most loyal child—
and the curse of an evil crime with devastating consequences
have been broken
the power of a demonic spell, which darkened my soul and mind
has been defused life is mine now—to live I greet and welcome my passionate, inquisitive, thoughtful
brave and adventuresome spirit
I look forward to the journey we now can make together united we can hear my life's calling
leave the demon and the darkness behind
and follow and fulfill my destiny
© Barbara Rogers
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