Hero Child

 
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Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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painful layers of silence

unexplored silence

at the very beginning of therapy I worked with a psychoanalyst
psychoanalysts can be very quiet while they wait
for 'transference' to unfold—but sometimes
I did not feel like talking—when we both were silent
the silence between us troubled and confused me
hurt and enraged me—and became so unbearably painful
—howling inside like a deadly injured animal—
that I wanted to leave his office to never come back—then
I had absolutely no clue what an incredibly powerful role
silence had played in my childhood and throughout my life
                          _____________

silently abandoned

Hotto, my nanny, my mother for six years, leaves me
disappears—silently—into silence—the child does not hear
anything anymore from the woman whom she loves and needs

early in therapy I drive my twelve-year-old son to school
he is very quiet that morning—until my pain
over unbearable silences erupts—and I, his mother, cry
and say—with inappropriate despair and uncaring narcissism—
why are you so silent? do you hate me?
my astonished son answers quietly but firmly
I don't hate you, mom
screams, meant for people in our past, tend to erupt
destructively and with a vengeance with our own children
I am no exception—my scream over loosing my beloved Hotto
surfaced not where it originated but with my son
                          _____________


reproachful silence

many years ago, twenty-eight years old, I was about to move
to another continent with my first husband and our children
I was on the island visiting my parents to say goodbye
during the last evening before I left, my father played records
Tchaikovsky's music, reminiscing and talking with me
my mother remained silent like a stone, all evening
when I went to bed that night I felt as if a heavy stone inside me
had grown bigger and bigger over the course of the evening
until it had filled and extinguished me with guilt
how indescribably glad was I to get far away the next day
                          _____________

banned through silence from the family

a fight breaks out between my family and my first husband
over money—I am betrayed by silence—no one tells me the truth
I am deceived and kept in the dark—by my mother
who does not wish that a marriage should end 'over money'
and by a husband whose dark side creates chaos
for years I drown in confusion and pain—caught in-between—
until I decide to leave Germany and return to America

my mother demands that the truth be withheld from me
no chance to decide for myself if I want to end a difficult marriage
where I have suffered for a long time—a marriage that
with my family's support, I might be able to leave
—instead my loyalty becomes the battleground

when I learn the truth, my family's betrayal comes as the
greater shock that hurts unimaginably because their silence
has pushed me into isolation and abandonment
torn apart my loyalty, appeared like blame
and robbed me of my trust, my family, my dignity and honor

trust is the foundation
upon which relationships and love may build

go to:

incest--answered with silence

the curse of silence

unbearable silence

© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood