Hero Child

 
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Biography Barbara Rogers
Foreword: A Hero Child
Chapter 1
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Published by Barabara Press
   

 

thicket in the dark forest

long ago—I just had started therapy—
I wrote a letter to my mother to explain that I had entered therapy

it was scary to tell her that something was “wrong” with me
afraid to hurt her I made this information short
and embedded it in lots of good things about me and my life
that would please her
her answer made clear that I would have to walk this path alone

I dared to respond by expressing how I felt
that there was an abyss between us
and then I wrote again lots of good things about me and my life

the abyss was always there—deathly afraid of my mother
I watched her as a child and I knew—I never will be like you
and yet—you were my mother—your mind was my universe
your beliefs became my religion as I was fundamentally trained
and programmed to believe and to follow you

my father focused his attention on his sons, Hotto disappeared
so you were the only one left to whom I seemed to matter

why was I so afraid to hurt you?
why did I always protect you?
why was I always concerned about you—but not myself?
why did it never bother you when you caused me pain?

I was trapped under a thicket of branches and trees
which had fallen upon me and entangled me
in a nightmarish thunderstorm of relentless persecution

I was lost in the middle of a forest where it was eternally dark
where there seemed no way out
the ticket was woven of guilt, blame, hostility and hatred
and the light of love could not enter the forest of your dark world
or penetrate the thicket of your destructive beliefs
that held me entangled for so long

one day a friend asked me—why do you suffer?
in an instant I knew the answer clearly
and just speaking out loud
what until then I had not even dared to think
changed my life profoundly—I suffer because of my mother
I suffer because my mother causes me pain
she tries to silence and extinguish me with guilt
every time I see her
that day I decided to leave the thicket and the forest

suddenly I could see that it was my mother’s thicket—not mine
and all I had to do was—to crawl away from it
get out from under it, escape it
get up and leave the forest
and I did

as I got away further and further
my eyes began to see
my soul began to sing
my heart began to open
my mind began to recognize the truth—and expanded
to see reality clearly

and suddenly I was free to walk towards the light
free to live

 

© Barbara Rogers

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Screams from Childhood