|
broken into different parts
who would be Barbara’s leader?
the deadly fear of my mother ruled fiercely over my actions
desperate love made me cling to my father
the hurt pride of the child who was replaced five times
and pushed away further and further
teamed up with the sinister loner—deeply afraid of people
they did not trust love but avoided it as a dangerous illusion
although my loneliness thirsted for companionship and love
anger and hatred born from cruel injustice craved revenge
while the showpiece wanted to make her parents proud
my hatred of patriarchy’s madness wanted to “show them”
survival fears that tormented me craved safety and predictability
within me lived the powerless nothing who felt unimportant
like a number—who believed her life did not matter
within me lived a paranoid skeptic, afraid to trust
within me lived the silenced coward who did not dare to speak up
within me cowered the blind one who closed her eyes firmly
who clung to illusions and idealized
within me sobbed the desperate one who wanted to give up
for the longest time I did not know—who am I?
broken off parts fought obsessively over who would have power over me—each one believed it knew what is best for me
how I should live, how to protect me, how to make me safe
their beliefs and emotions were formed and remained stuck
in their traumatic experiences—they had nothing to do with me
as they change and let go
my inner turmoil is relieved
and the warring enemies inside—become my supportive friends
© Barbara Rogers
back to table of contents
Screams from Childhood |
