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the big wedding party was cancelled
the wedding was changed into a small dinner
it took place two months after the accident happened
shortly before my parents took me away for a vacation
I remember sometimes sitting in the afternoon
crying for some time—then I would go to bed and sleep
I do not remember talking about the accident with anyone
until in therapy I was one day overwhelmed by strong feelings
which frightened me, so I blocked them out
my therapist asked—what happened
and I said—my car accident came up and I felt as if I would faint
never will I forget his answer
this is a precious chance for us to do our work
these are gold nuggets in here
I could forgive myself for the accident only thirty-four years later
a similar crisis of someone very close to me brought it up
this time I could comfort the abandoned, lonely eighteen-year-old
writhing in agony and self-condemnation
with my love and compassion
to be responsible for the death of another human being
is a life-changing burden
it made me feel like an outsider to the community of men
it marked my life profoundly
it strengthened powerfully my quest and determination
to work in therapy—to conquer my anxiety
and to never be at the mercy of drugs again
I have thought at times that I was capable
of recognizing and leaving behind false guilt, inculcated into me
because of true guilt I incurred
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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