“crippled but free, I was blind all the time I was learning to see”
the Grateful Dead
when she was sixteen a young man entered the teenager’s life
quietly and gently, but also with determination
he wanted to build a real relationship with her
although he lived far away
he came almost every weekend on his bicycle to see her
they walked through forests endlessly
talking—holding and feeling each other
they found places and time to share their awakening love
her father never greeted him—her father ignored him
he never invited him into our living room
he called his daughter’s boyfriend—her “kitchen-friend”
after two happy years in which a loving relationship had grown
another man came who wanted to go out with her
when he came for the first date—he entered the living room
where he sat and talked with her father
who received him like a prince already during this first visit
she was so blind that she did not see or grasp anything
she felt flattered—and wanted to get out of that dark house
away from tyrants where she felt not at home
the daughter could not consciously realize
that her father preferred the older and wealthier man
she could not see her father as a selfish liar
unaware of the sick manipulation she was falling victim to
she could not imagine that her father was only interested
in money and reputation—she could not admit
that she was just one of the “daughter cows”
to be exploited by being married off to the most promising bidder
it was unimaginable for this daughter to recognize
that she was nothing but a means to an end
that her father used her to decorate himself and his family
with the important name of this man—and his wealth
the incest memory—and all the old inner turmoil and despair
were repressed from her consciousness
she did not know how she longed to escape
and leave her misery behind—to this hidden drama
marriage seemed a way out, a chance for salvation
a promise to free her from the curse of worthlessness
to leave and live on her own was not an option
her inner chaos dreaded separations
her father ignored the man who recognized and loved her
and a relationship where love had blossomed
instead—“the right one”
who conformed to her father’s values
who gave her father what he was after
who guaranteed the permission to be married
entered the living room where true love was not welcome
_____________
forty-five years old she met a man who took joy in her
who wanted to build a loving relationship with her
he came from the “wrong” background, too
he also would not have been welcome in that living room
and it was only then that she recognized
how she had fallen victim to her father’s manipulations
determined to claim life and love
she invited him into her living room—and into her life
© Barbara Rogers
go to: the curse of silence painful layers of silence unbearable silence
back to table of contents
Screams from Childhood
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