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when I met you I was forty-five years old
I had left all ties behind—was not dating
not interested in men anymore I had set up my tripod and camera in a jazz club
you sat down in front of me—and turned around to talk to me
I can still hear your wonderful warm laugh
that I heard then for the first time—the laugh which I so love
I remember what we talked about when I gathered my things on the little table in front of me
I found your card—I took it home—the image of the airplane
taking off against a sunset sky had touched me—
I thought about it for three days
my body and soul spoke clearly—they longed
for closeness and embraces—so I called youÑand we met I see you across the table where we had dinner
—with your black leather jacket
—with your sincere way of being and talking
that night I dreamt that my car went up high
—a terrifyingly steep mountain—only to be stuck way up
in a very dangerous and scary situation
that turned out to be terribly true
as I fell in love passionately, it brought up a buried past
that had shaped my fears of love and life through great turmoil and hard emotional work
you stuck with me—remained at my side—never gave up on me
you always believed in me—you helped me claim my life
you encouraged me to face the incest and travel to the ship
you wanted me to become liberated and empowered
you touched my soul deeply—you became a true companion
you encouraged me to leave a therapeutic dead-end street
to entrust myself to different forms of therapy—and to my Self love connected us from the beginning
love guided us out of deep valleys
love let us heal the hurt accumulated in both of us you gave me the gift of coming alive sexually—but
that brought back the incest memory—and dark times for me
we both struggled—without your support my healing
and this journey—would not have been possible
the memories I have with you are indescribable
so beautiful and unforgettable
even painful moments and difficult times
only deepened our love, strengthened our walk together
our understanding of and compassion for each other
no matter what happened
your arms always welcomed and embraced me how loved I felt our first night when my body could not respond
but you held me all night in your arms anyway
to tell me over and over again how you loved my brain
how treasured I felt—what a gift that was how loved I felt when your arms just opened and held me
when we saw each other again
after I had broken off our relationship for awhile
how treasured and loved I felt when you told me
that you felt you were making love to meÑby talking to me
we had been laying naked on your bed together for hours
on a warm summer day—I could not make love that day how loved I felt in your arms
when I told you about my car accident—you listened
and expressed warm compassion for this tragic mark on my life
how supported I felt when you held and comforted me
spoke all the right words as I, sobbing and upset, remembered
—while we were making love—
remembered with great pain and shame
that my body had been capable of orgasm during incest how alive and loved I felt during your first visit to my house
you gave me power over what we would do together that day
every time when I wondered what I would like us to do together
I smiled—I played Chopin's etude in A flat Major for you
then asked you to read what I had written about the Holocaust
thinking—if he does not like how I think—he will be gone soon
but you stayed and let me take you out for dinner
it was a wonderful day—from that very beginning
we have shared the dreams we dreamt during the night you were patient and understanding with a woman
who was afraid to open her soul and her body—how alive
and loved I felt when my body and soul began to trust you
when making love became an exciting and passionate adventure
how I love your voice—especially when you sing
I feel alive when we dance and sing together
when I can share my Self with you
when we talk, when we make love
when we write and create and share our thoughts and journeys
when we work together—or side by side
when I perform a karate kata with you
when we go into the world
and bring back to each other our discoveries and adventures you welcome my creativity, my spirit and true Self
your love is my home—your integrity a solid ground to walk on
your trust provides support and confidence
your encouragement and patience grant me strength
your honesty and sincerity build time and again
a moving bridge to me—that empowers me to be truthful at your side
I left the darkness of guilt and blame, lies and hypocrisy behind
how I treasure your honesty and openness
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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