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after my first husband and I separate
we still see each other and spend time together
I hope that our marriage can be saved
he is polite and friendly—but remains distant
then one day I dream
that I am sitting at home at my table
with my husband sitting next to me on the side of the table
we talk and I tell him—I have given you three chances
the first when I asked you to do therapy with me
the second when I returned with you to Germany
now I am giving you a third chance
if you don’t take this one there will be no other one
in the following weeks I am flooded with anxiety every time
I think about this dream—until I write about it and realize
that the child would not have survived her childhood
without the hope that one day she could win her parents’ love
but I, the adult woman, must admit to myself that with this man
my dreams of love cannot come true
the child’s hopeless hope ties me to a man I also cannot reach
and makes me put my life on hold—while I suffer
as I free myself from the child’s illusionary hope
I bring true hope into my life—the hope that I can escape
agony and unhappiness
that I can make my life happier
and go out to find the love I long for
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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