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my pain and needs, my problems and worries could not exist
our relationship was about nothing but you, mother
I could not tell you of my despair—you did not wish to hear it
like a stuck record turning around and around
in the same hopeless cycle
our relationship was consumed by your needs
while my needs were considered impertinence and impudence
and my problems were whipped away
your arms never held me—you did not comfort me
your words and actions did not try to understand and support me
your biting judgments and blame destroyed my self-confidence
pushed me deep into inconceivable loneliness
with no one on my side—but you expected and demanded that
I be unconditionally at and on your side—always
trained to feel endless pity for you I felt sorry only for you
never for myself—all compassion went towards you
a woman consumed by endless self-pity
I tried my best to understand and excuse you—I worked hard
to not be a problem for you, to not need your support and help
our relationship was filled with your suffering
—mine had no value—no right to exist, be heard and changed
in this reversal of the mother-daughter relationship
there was no room for my plight
for what I needed to talk about—you refused to hear it
you wanted me to lie—and you still demand that I lie for you
the truth could and cannot be alive between us
our relationship ended in silence
© Barbara Rogers
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Screams from Childhood
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