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almost thirty years old I told my father
how much I had enjoyed making music with him
his response was
but you could not sing as well as your aunt Mausi
_____________
after I gave up studying music my mother told me
that I would have made a good accompanist
were you ever aware how deeply my childhood was marked
by being my parents’ good accompanist
while I struggled alone through chaos and darkness?
_____________
my brother gave an interview I did with Alice Miller
—published in the German Psychology Today—
to my parents—their answer was silence
months later I dared to ask my father if he had read it
his answer was—you cannot have made this
you don’t know that much about “it”
a friend asked me—why did he say that?
I had not thought about it
but knew the answer spontaneously—envy, it was envy
he has written a lot—but has never been published
_____________
thirty-three years old, I held my mother in my arms and told her
I love you—she did not hug me—she sat next to me like a stone
a tear emerged from her eye as she reproachfully accused me
—I will never forgive you for abandoning me
when I needed you the most—
I have no clue what she referred to
was it that I had entered therapy
became concerned with my Self and the tragedy of my life
and I was not the perfect eldest anymore?
____________
I had written an essay, “Facing a Wall of Silence”
about how I discovered in therapy
and through taking a class called “Encountering the Holocaust”
part of my family’s past
and what that had meant for me and my life
it was published by Allan and Naomi Berger
in their book Second Generation Voices
I translated it into German for my mother
she wanted to read it
her answer was
silence
© Barbara Rogers
Screams from Childhood
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